last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize