I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
