Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
