I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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