I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
