I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
