I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We had to coat check the pizza.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Randomize