so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
