If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
