Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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