A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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