mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
