Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
