My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
