On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
