my sisters under your porch take her home
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I got her a Nickelback box set.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Randomize
