fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
