btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
