Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
