You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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