I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
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