Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
