So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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