she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
