she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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