This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
