just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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