if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
