Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
