i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
