I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
