my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
