I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
