you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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