she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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