Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
