The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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