does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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