i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
PANTIES FOUND
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