I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
