R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
