11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
