I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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