I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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