There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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