the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
