I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
