She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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