My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I think my moral compass just broke
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