My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I am naked and annoyed.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
