4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
