you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
