i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
