one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
