i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
