I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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