I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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