My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize