he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
